WHY.
By Chai
If I tell you that I have been as happy as you are when you were with me, I would have lied to myself. That perhaps, is something I can live with. But to have lied to a man who loves me as much as he loves himself would have been deceit
How can I even think of giving you happiness, when I have none myself. I said I wanted us to find what it is that makes us happy, apart from each other. For years it has always been us. We live in our little world as little boys and girls. Back then it was enough. Change and time…yes it does exist. Young girls and boys eventually grow up. And sometimes they change. Sometimes they don’t want to but they have to. That is the only way to live. We spent most of our tmie discovering the other and neglecting our own. We should have looked for ourselves first before we sought the other.
I have been constantly searching for myself. And I am still on my journey. Im trying to figure it out. If not the whole picture at least a fragment. But who has it all figured out? I set out now to contiue my journey with you but just not together. I can only hope for you to see it as I do.
But what is time..really? but just a concept of the mind. 6 months, 6 years…it doesn’t matter. You have closed your door for me and I was the one who gave you that idea. I can only stand at your doorstep from time to time.
When I met you (though not for the first time) when I first evoked your existence. I felt no complication. I thought id have to fight a great deal for this man and I did fought him from my parents, my sister and my cousins ..And to every individual who told us that our kind of relationship could never exist. But what I could not fight, the person I am completely helpless with is myself
We were too idealistic. We did away with typical conventions. We were content with that for a while. Then we went higher still… we were content for a while. And I’m sure it will increase more as time goes..neither one of us can stop that.
But don’t you see? We have to a point when it’s a strain to just be ourselves. Or at least I am. I cannot blame you if you do not understand me. And you cannot blame me for refusing to explain myself. I get to think that were trying so hard. And maybe we are. That is why I thought it best to find ourselves again. Because who we were once is not who we re now. We have changed, I don’t know if we fit well together now as we did before. And that doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. I cannot force you to understand this. I know you can but you wont. And I don’t blame you.
I have changed and I am confused and I am searching for something. I cannot drag you along with that. Know that I have taken the greatest risk so far. Far greater that giving pathetic roses to old professors. I have risked my comfort and security, the possibility of my happiness for the knowledge of what it is I want. It is said to be harder to really pursue what we want. Because with it lies the responsibility and hard work and effort. It is easier to act on our desires on impulse. some people don’t know what they want and they end up being cowards, taking what is given provided that are comfortable enough to live, to avoid the risk of pain. The path where most people choose to trek. I see this crossroad, about the same time I saw you and somehow I managed to stay in the crossroad for a long time. With you. Because we chose to stay there. But eventually we know we have to choose our paths. One cannot drag the other. Our paths doesn’t have to be on different directions. But we need to choose it on our own. I what I am letting you see that you have a choice. Allowing you to choose which way you wish to trek for with it lies every conviction you will have to fight. I let you go because I need to choose my path and you, yours.
If the future should lead us back to one another we will have smiles then because we will have something in common. We have OURSELVES.
By Chai
If I tell you that I have been as happy as you are when you were with me, I would have lied to myself. That perhaps, is something I can live with. But to have lied to a man who loves me as much as he loves himself would have been deceit
How can I even think of giving you happiness, when I have none myself. I said I wanted us to find what it is that makes us happy, apart from each other. For years it has always been us. We live in our little world as little boys and girls. Back then it was enough. Change and time…yes it does exist. Young girls and boys eventually grow up. And sometimes they change. Sometimes they don’t want to but they have to. That is the only way to live. We spent most of our tmie discovering the other and neglecting our own. We should have looked for ourselves first before we sought the other.
I have been constantly searching for myself. And I am still on my journey. Im trying to figure it out. If not the whole picture at least a fragment. But who has it all figured out? I set out now to contiue my journey with you but just not together. I can only hope for you to see it as I do.
But what is time..really? but just a concept of the mind. 6 months, 6 years…it doesn’t matter. You have closed your door for me and I was the one who gave you that idea. I can only stand at your doorstep from time to time.
When I met you (though not for the first time) when I first evoked your existence. I felt no complication. I thought id have to fight a great deal for this man and I did fought him from my parents, my sister and my cousins ..And to every individual who told us that our kind of relationship could never exist. But what I could not fight, the person I am completely helpless with is myself
We were too idealistic. We did away with typical conventions. We were content with that for a while. Then we went higher still… we were content for a while. And I’m sure it will increase more as time goes..neither one of us can stop that.
But don’t you see? We have to a point when it’s a strain to just be ourselves. Or at least I am. I cannot blame you if you do not understand me. And you cannot blame me for refusing to explain myself. I get to think that were trying so hard. And maybe we are. That is why I thought it best to find ourselves again. Because who we were once is not who we re now. We have changed, I don’t know if we fit well together now as we did before. And that doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. I cannot force you to understand this. I know you can but you wont. And I don’t blame you.
I have changed and I am confused and I am searching for something. I cannot drag you along with that. Know that I have taken the greatest risk so far. Far greater that giving pathetic roses to old professors. I have risked my comfort and security, the possibility of my happiness for the knowledge of what it is I want. It is said to be harder to really pursue what we want. Because with it lies the responsibility and hard work and effort. It is easier to act on our desires on impulse. some people don’t know what they want and they end up being cowards, taking what is given provided that are comfortable enough to live, to avoid the risk of pain. The path where most people choose to trek. I see this crossroad, about the same time I saw you and somehow I managed to stay in the crossroad for a long time. With you. Because we chose to stay there. But eventually we know we have to choose our paths. One cannot drag the other. Our paths doesn’t have to be on different directions. But we need to choose it on our own. I what I am letting you see that you have a choice. Allowing you to choose which way you wish to trek for with it lies every conviction you will have to fight. I let you go because I need to choose my path and you, yours.
If the future should lead us back to one another we will have smiles then because we will have something in common. We have OURSELVES.
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