incoherent thoughts...

journals and loneliness

2009-08-10T23:33:00.005+08:00

the thing that's bothering me now is that i cannot write when im happy. mostly, i pour myself to pen and paper when im lonely, angry, desperate or wants to organize my ideas and thoughts...
i went home quite early today. we finished a scale model, and while the husband is out bonding with old friends, i went home hoping that my kids would still be awake. true enough, my ayrton was waiting for me. we fooled around, took photos of each other and listened to ringtones... after a few mins, he dozed off. this left me all alone.

to entertain myself, i took my tin box and got my old journal. first entry was 12-25-1993
this was my sisters christmas gift and i think its the first journal i ever fell in love with. all the sheets were printed with halftoned floral illustration, the cover had a lock and key. the pages are all yellowed now, but the memories seems so fresh. one thing thats been going on from then till now, is that i always had a plan... or i have some kind of discontent in me, a bit of frustration and a bit of loneliness.
i think i seldom laughed when i was young. i was always thinking why things happen blah blah blah... maybe thats why i had so much to write before. i had questions , tons of them. i guess i was bored too. now, its either i dont care anymore. or that the answers dont really matter to anyone but me... so why bother? i stopped... or maybe im just not that lonely anymore to even have the urge to write... could it be that i am happy? (thus explaining the gaps in between blog entries?)

Geared up for POP III

2009-02-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

y101 feature

2008-12-10T11:03:00.000+08:00

can't help it! its y101! =)
i have no idea how they stumbled upon my site.. but im glad that they did...

Christmas Gift Idea! --- Mini Leather Photobooks!

2008-12-09T08:15:00.000+08:00

why are you not with me?

2008-12-01T07:02:00.000+08:00

you look at me, as if your eyes says...
"mommy, why are you there?
my are you not here with me?"

am i ready to let go?

2008-11-23T10:31:00.000+08:00

just last week, i was browsing through all my paper collection (scrapbook papers , plain papers etc) and i thought i'd make them into hardbound journals in various sizes... but then again, it would mean letting go. i still havent decided. im currently finishing up a few orders for corporate givaways... so maybe when im done... what do you think?

sponge bob family

2008-10-28T16:19:00.000+08:00

look how happy he is being sponge bob!

CROSS GRID NOTEPADS

2008-10-20T03:42:00.000+08:00

DESIGN PROFFESSIONALS' Ultimate Notepads

The Cross-grid notepad is a unique paper designed for design proffessionals (architects, graphic artist, interior designers) i really loved the idea of having whitelines paper, with multi-weight lines (thicker horizontal lines spaced at 1cm or 10mm and thinner vertical lines spaced at 0.5cm or 5mm) for years in design school, i wanted to draw my schematics into scale , but found it too time consuming to constantly refer to my scale. (that would be fine for final drawings, but when your ideas are rushing through, sometimes you've got to get in the race ...)
When you draw on these papers, your drawings are already scaled!

LIMITED EDITION (I'm only selling 10 pads)
size: 8.125 x 5.75 inches
50 sheets per pad
Background color: PANTONE 579
Offset Printed
Blank back page for freehand sketches!

Php 350/pad + S&H

CREATE SUNDAY

2008-09-28T10:15:00.000+08:00

today is one of the rare times that i can indulge in my craft. back in highschool, weekends means 2 days of nature tripping (my cousin and i have a 3pm ritual at our hiding place), making paper projects or just listening to really laid back music. now, that im married, have two kids, i spend the weekends with them, running around and making them sleep in the afternoon.
but today, is different, im in the office and doing layouts for my staitionery collection (crossing-fingers). i hope to have a few printed in time for christmas.

on my TTD list for my stationery line, i have
folded note cards
flat cards
notepads
little books
sketch notes
business card holder
planner sheets

which may feature one or two of these design categories
office
nature
wildlife
baby
bride
vintage

i dont know if all these will come to life. it depends mainly on funding. (lol) but, i wanted to get it out of my system... they say that for people or god to help you, you need to help yourself first... so now, as i work, im praying at the same time. =)

now, my sunday is almost up. im writing again (yey!) and im happy, that although things are not as what i imagined it to be now, at least i still have the time for my passions...

ciao!
tschai

I TOOK THE HANDMADE PLEDGE

2008-09-23T11:40:00.000+08:00

Buying Handmade makes for better gift-giving.

The giver of a handmade gift has avoided the parking lots and long lines of the big chain stores in favor of something more meaningful. If the giver has purchased the gift, s/he feels the satisfaction of supporting an artist or crafter directly. The recipient of the handmade gift receives something that is one-of-a-kind, and made with care and attention that can
be seen and touched. It is the result of skill and craftsmanship that is absent in the world of large-scale manufacturing.

Buying handmade is better for people.

The ascendancy of chain store culture and global manufacturing has left us dressing, furnishing, and decorating alike. We are encouraged to be consumers, not producers, of our own culture. Our ties to the local and human sources of our goods have been lost. Buying handmade helps us reconnect.

Buying handmade is better for the environment.

The accumulating environmental effects of mass production are a major cause of global warming and the poisoning of our air, water and soil. Every item you make or purchase from a small-scale independent artist or crafter strikes a small blow to the forces of mass production.

Needless to say, i took the pledge to make handmade gifts too. =P

500 journal project...

2008-09-22T12:59:00.000+08:00

i spent the whole weekend surfing the net and looking for product ideas for christmas. i plan to join (this is my second year) local bazaars. I already have a handful of products in mind, what i lack is just the initial capital for production... so i thought, i'd set these wackky ideas aside as of now and concentrate on what i have now. Then it struck me, if i could make 500 journals (different kinds) it would clear my WIP (work in progress) inventory list. I realized I've been hoarding and have grown attached to my hobby.. thus has become a vice. By then, i could afford a few necessary equipment to expand my business... 500 journals is a lot of work, all of it would be handmade, handcut and perhaps if i get a lot of blessings, gocco print my eco/recycled edition. i think i have time to do the 500. its not that impossible.
wish me luck. ill be posting and giving updates...

new adventures

2008-09-20T09:55:00.000+08:00

this is the 3rd time i pressed the BACKSPACE until everything i wrote is erased. sometimes i even ask myself why the heck do i blog when i dont WRITE anymore?

anyway, for the past few days, i decided to take on an adventure. a creative adventure. im tired listening to myself whine about not knowing how to do illustration art... through a lot of online inspirations, i decided to smudge the canvas and just get it out there...

i am currently designing a few stationeries (think whimsical, vintage, florals, ) for printing (40 pads/ design) im calling it [ papersandtschai * modern stationery collection ]

shirt design

2008-09-18T15:18:00.000+08:00

today i thought i'd try out a few designs using the vectors i have downloaded...

mini leather journal pendant

2008-09-07T22:05:00.004+08:00

my 10% ....

2008-08-29T09:35:00.000+08:00

expressions of my kaduy ...

2008-08-29T08:12:00.000+08:00

"I Like For You to be Still"

2008-08-28T17:33:00.000+08:00

"I Like For You to be Still"
By Pablo Neruda

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.

And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true.

big black eyes...

2008-08-27T06:10:00.000+08:00

ayrton's happy balloons

2008-08-26T18:39:00.000+08:00

bored pud...

2008-08-26T06:37:00.000+08:00

giving my sister a high-five!

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD!Not as easy as you might think. Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to send back to the person you received it from!

1. Where is your cell phone? here

2. Your significant other? here

3. Your hair? thinning

4. Your mother? Helen

5. Your father? Napoleon

6. Your favorite thing? paper

7. Your dream last night? none

8. Your favorite drink? icedtea

9. Your dream/goal? progressing

10. The room you're in? office

11. Your hobby? handcrafting

12. Your fear? rats

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? US or ireland?

14. Where were you last night? home

15. What you're not? unhappy

16. Muffins? sweet

17. One of your wish list items? laser printer

18. Where you grew up? lutopan

19. The last thing you did? surf

20. What are you wearing? poloshirt

21. Your TV on? no

22. Your pets? none

23. Your computer? none

24. Your life? content

25. Your mood? bored

26. Missing someone? mommy

27. Your car? none

28. Something you're not wearing?

29. Favorite store? ambot

30. Your summer? dry

31. Like someone? kinsa?

32. Your favorite color? black

33. When is the last time you laughed? days ago

34. Last time you cried? 1 month

35. Who will resend this? ambot

POST-ITS

2008-08-19T19:43:00.000+08:00

for the past few days, i have been out doing "laag" for a few hours... no really, i went to the mall to do some errands and i "happen" to see really nice notepads--cheap ones. I went to CAGNAAN booksales and saw this for only Php 120.00

bad girl journals for P50.00, i found a MOUSE NOTEPAD for php15
i finally bought yellow post-its with lines.
i really dont know why i obsess about these things. but what the heck. im happy. =)

My life...

2008-08-06T05:56:00.000+08:00

Missing my Mom...

2008-07-23T15:31:00.000+08:00

my first love...

2008-07-21T09:36:00.000+08:00

to my first love... =)

IN MY BAG: The Witch of Portobello

2008-07-21T06:28:00.000+08:00

"We must make the most of the times
when luck is on our side
and do everything to help it,
just as it is helping us." Paulo Coelho

collected thoughts

2008-07-13T12:07:00.000+08:00

this week or even this whote 6 months, i feel so drained. i feel that real life has sucked the life out of me and all i want to do is SHOUT. i miss my secret childhood place where i can just sit for an hour and feel alright afterwards. i miss my walks. i miss the road with big trees lined at the sides as if to guide my way home. i wish i could just recharge, even for just a day... but that isnt possible now. so i take a break and find solace on other people's blogs. here are a few "wisdom" thoughts i gathered today...

Every day, passion speaks to us through our feelings. that's why when you allow yourself to become anesthetized by what others think, you literally block yourself from living the life you were called to live. I promise you that if you make a choice that doesn't please your mate, your friends, your mother, or whoever, the world will not fall apart -- the people who truly love you want you to love yourself. and as you become clearer about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you -- the first time around.
Oprah Winfrey

The point of life is not to get anywhere—it is to notice that you are, and have always been, already there. You are always and forever in the moment of pure creation. The point of life therefore is to create—who and what you are, and then to experience that.
Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God

the greener side

2008-07-13T08:29:00.000+08:00

"The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
The grass is greener where it is watered.
When crossing over fences, carry water.
Or stay where you are and tend the grass there."

stealing time...

2008-07-04T08:45:00.000+08:00

from my sis.. stole some time off, so i thought i'd chip in...

1) Three jobs I have had:

a) Mother/Wife

b) Book artist

c) Designer

2) Three places I have lived:

a) Lutopan

b) Consolacion

c) Cebu City

(hihihihi!)

3) Three shows that I watch:

a) Friends

b) Ally Mcbeal

c) Las Vegas

4) Three places I have been to: (sa pinas lang)

a) Boracay

b) Manila

c) Bohol

5) Three people who email me often:

a) Ate Soking

b) Notebookism

c) Etsy

6) Three of my favourite foods:

a) Sinigang ni Owa

b) Grilled

c) anything my mom makes

7) Three places I'd rather be right now:

a) City super @ HK

b) visit mommy sa states with kids and hubby

c) paper stores

8)Three friends I think will respond:

a) cheche

b) dimpola

c) ----

9)Three things I am looking forward to this year:

a) more business

b) go to HK

c) DSLR

And of course, the instructions:

Now, here's what you're supposed to do... And please do not spoil the fun.

Hit forward, delete my answers and type in your answers.

Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those

who know you.

* Don't forget to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Regards!

rants...

2008-06-29T15:35:00.000+08:00

for the past weeks ive been going around cebu, looking for inspiration for ideas on how to go about my journals and other possible products i could make by hand.

my product devs, seem to be soooooo sloooooww coz i need a few extras to actually make a protoype and test it for myself. sometimes i enby those rich kids who can really be as creative as they can be becuase they dont have financial constraints... but sometimes i also am quite happy to be where i am, becuase i think i would be complacent if im given everything...

so anyway, in a few days ill be posting my new series of journals. and possibly post it to etsy or look for stores here in cebu who wants to carry my products.

i really understand how some people dont see the value of my craft... thats why i make a really terrible marketing person. fact is, i dont want to push people to like my stuff. (but thank God, there are a handful that really do) ive been saying over and over again that part of me is in those little journals that i make... which is really so true. You wouldnt want to be placed in the hands of people that doesnt even like you.. right?

i dont know why im ranting. maybe ive had too much coffee or vodka....

40 Secrets about yourself

2008-06-20T14:08:00.000+08:00

40 Secrets about yourself (i guess its not secret now)
Be honest no matter what...

[one] have you ever been asked out?
-not directly =)

[two] where was your default picture taken?
-picture city ayala

[three] what's your middle name?
-..toting

[five] does your crush like you back?
- i don't know

[six] what is your current mood?
- excited and impatient

[seven] what color of underwear are you wearing?
- black =P

[eight] what color shirt are you wearing?
- mocha

[ten] if you could go back in time and change something, would you?
- maybe

[eleven] if you must be an animal for one day, what?
- eagle

[thirteen] something you do a lot?
- think , daydream, think of paper

[fourteen] the song stuck in your head?
- dont make me over

[fifteen] who did you copy and paste this from?
- anna marie-- my sister -- from her my space

[sixteen] name someone with the same birthday as you.

- angelie and chris

[seventeen] when was the last time you cried?
- the other night

[eighteen] have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
- yup.. in a class

[nineteen] if you could have one super power what would it be?
- freezing time =)

[twenty] what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
- smile

[twenty-one] what do you usually order from starbucks?
- peppermint mocha

[twenty-two] what's your biggest secret?
- cant remember

[twenty-four] do you still watch kiddie shows or tv shows?
- tv shows on DVD.

[twenty-six] what are you?
- a witch. and a charmed one
hahah

[twenty-seven] do you speak any other language?
- yes

..where's 28??

[twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word?
- full

...where's 30??

[thirty-one] have you ever kissed in the rain?
- yes

[thirty-two] what are you thinking about right now?
- number 31

[thirty-three] what should you be doing?
- blog?

[thirty-four] who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
- someone clost to me

[thirty-five] how often do u talk to God?
- everyday. in my thoughts

[thirty-six] do you like working in the yard?
- depends on what im working on

[thirty-eight] do you act differently around the person you like?
- i try not to... but maybe

[thirty-nine] what is your natural hair color?
- very dark brown

[forty] who was the last person to make you cry?
- ate soking.. but cry in a good way

[forty-one] what was the meanest thing you have done to someone today?
nothing =) im not mean to anyone today

taxi driver wisdom # 2 [ on 20/20 vision]

2008-06-20T13:25:00.000+08:00

AS SOON AS YOU MEET SOMEONE, YOU KNOW THE REASONS WHY YOU WILL LEAVE THEM

{ CANT THINK OF ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, BUT FEEL FREE TO COMMENT] ;)

Ars Poetica by J. L. Borges

2008-06-19T14:36:00.000+08:00

Ars Poetica by J. L. Borges
.
To look at the river made of time and water
And remember that time is another river,
To know that we are lost like the river
And that faces dissolve like water.

To be aware that waking dreams it is not asleep
While it is another dream, and that the death
That our flesh goes in fear of is that death
Which comes every night and is called sleep.

To see in the day or in the year a symbol
Of the days of man and of his years,
To transmute the outrage of the years
Into a music, a murmur of voices, and a symbol,

To see in death sleep, and in the sunset
A sad gold—such is poetry,
Which is immortal and poor. Poetry
returns like the dawn and the sunset.

At times in the evenings a face
Looks at us out of the depths of a mirror;
Art should be like that mirror
Which reveals to us our own face.

They say that Ulysses, sated with marvels,
Wept tears of love at the sight of his Ithaca,
Green and humble. Art is that Ithaca
Of green eternity, not of marvels.

It is also like the river with no end
That flows and remains and is the mirror of one same
Inconstant Heraclitus, who is the same
And is another, like the river with no end.

cross+grid notepads ( for creative professionals) now available

2008-06-10T15:58:00.000+08:00

i recently have been doing product development for papers and tschai. i am amazed by how some people can be very picky on what paper they write on and what pens to use... i actually felt rather excited because i never thought there are a million or so people out there like me... anyway, from where i am, i cannot get hold of papers with grids except for the usual graphing paper notebook. ive also been reading about doane paper and whitelines paper ( google for further info) i thought , " so i need to buy doane and whitelines? too expensive and i really have nothong much to write or draw about right now.

it may have been timely because a few weeks back, my cousin in hk said i could have a notepad printed there together with her order. excited, i set off making a design
that would allow me to write texts normally and at the same time make scaled drawings. the result? is a cross+grid paper ( it has multi weight rule, grid spaced at 5mm, and whitelines on fresh green colored paper)

tschai.vox.com or papersandtschai.etsy.com

:-)

iphone+multiply

2008-05-21T05:39:00.000+08:00

i recently discovered that multiply is now iphone friendly... i dont know what appropriate word developers use, but they have a mobile look version that works great with the iphone. i have yet to discover if the playlists from my contacts streams well here...

Thank You!

2008-05-12T10:47:00.001+08:00

Last week proved to be a difficult week for me and my family. Some of you may have sent birthday greetings, and some have prayed for my health. Seeing my love ones harnessing all their strength to be there for me in one of the lowest times of my life gave me the courage to fight back and recover. At first, I thought spending my 30th birthday on the hospital was the worst birthday ever. With all your support and prayers, I realized it was the best birthday gift anyone could ever ask for - the gift of life. I have gone through a lot and I know, because of your support and love, I am given the strength to see it through... God in his own time will surely shower each of you His blessings. My family will always be forever grateful.

digiscraps...

2008-04-27T11:19:00.000+08:00

made this digiscrap layout today...

Top ten sites i visit everyday::

2008-04-07T16:58:00.000+08:00

my flickr
(to see if i have new contacts, messages comments)
etsy (for ideas and inspiration)
indiepublic (social networking for indie designers and craftspeople)
duc ly (the paper guru)
david seah (printable ceo)
vox (mine and patrick ng)
and of course
notebookism
facebook
friendster
multiply...

no wonder i cant seem to get a lot of things done. hahaha!

art and passion

2008-04-06T16:52:00.000+08:00

a few weeks ago, my son ayrton had thier annual art exhibit in school ... you wouldnt believe at first glance that he made those wonderful works of art. it felt great to see artworks that are so pure and honest. his artworks reminded me of my long lost dream of becoming an 'artist' (hahha) over the years, i have kept journals and sketchbooks and never seem to have the time or the courage to fill them. I was so inspired that when i got home, i gathered enough strength to open my moleskine sketch book...so here it is, my art done after all the kids have gone to sleep (you wouldnt dare work with acrylics with my 2 boys!)

::mixed media (acrylic, moleskine,genuine stamp, collage papers)

sketch of my boys

2008-04-06T16:40:00.000+08:00

i woke up early last sunday to watch over cheeko (my 1 year old who has recently been introduced to the joys of walking) he goes around our small one-space house and grabs at whatever he feels like grabbing... these are the few rare moments that he probably enjoys because i let him walk around and explore. i see to it that i am a step ahead of him so cna anticipate what he wants to grab first.
anyway it hit me... that perhaps i can sketch his soulful eyes, it wont be as good as a photograph, but i sketch is a sketch.. right? i love both of my boys' eyes. cheeko's eyes looks more like his dad's and ayrton, mine... or so they say.
i thought i'd share my sketch...not much, but i made it with a happy heart... and more importantly, they're mine. =)

LETTERS TO ROD MCKUEN

2007-09-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

http://www.mckuen.com/flights/231200.htm
http://www.mckuen.com/flights/301198.htm
http://www.mckuen.com/flights/270799.htm
http://www.mckuen.com/flights/010299.htm
http://www.mckuen.com/flights/120799.htm

I SENT LETTERS TO MY FAVORITE POET BACK IN 98/99... I NEVER EXPECTED HIM TO RESPOND... BUT HE DID.

writing about writing in this blog

2007-09-07T14:34:00.000+08:00

i wonder how many people googled "tschai" and found my blog posts, flickr photos and hopefully my etsy store. apparently not too many. or probably my posts aren't that interesting to get comments or violent reactions or whatever. although, yesterday, my friend aledel told me she was bored at work to browse through my blogs for two hours. that alone inspired me to WRITE in my blog today. so other than writing about writing in my blog, ill try write something a bit more revealing about myself next time. i thought about deleting this blog and just concentrate on one blog (the one about bookbinding and papers) but i guess i cant bring myself to do so...

2007-09-07T14:33:00.001+08:00

i wonder how many people has read my blog. or how many googled "tschai" and found my blog, flickr photos

:: ---- ::

2006-09-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

infinity...

2006-07-06T19:00:00.000+08:00

i learned from a friend yesterday that a close friend ang grade 3 teacher of mine is spending her life in great pain. cancer. probably in a stage we wished never existed but cant deny. i hold my tears for a good 30 hours. still, im depressed. why do bad things happen to good people? ive faced the pain of loosing a loved one... though she is still alive, i feel that i cannot stop the sands of time from dripping from her hands.just last year on her birthday (september 28) we spent it with her and her family and friends. she was so healthy then... now they say she cant even read her text messages or answer her phone.

every year, i always look back on where ive been and she has always been there with me. she was my mentor, my friend, my godmother. although i never ceased to thank God for the gift of our friendship...

2006-03-06T13:20:00.000+08:00

lil sis and boo

2006-01-03T10:52:00.000+08:00

Altered book page "On October 23rd..."

2005-12-16T14:31:00.000+08:00

Altered book page "On October 23rd..."
Originally uploaded by venusthemuse.

Collage Art Dolls/Christmas Tags

2005-12-16T14:24:00.000+08:00

Collage Art Dolls/Christmas Tags
Originally uploaded by venusthemuse.

2005-11-30T11:03:00.000+08:00

"Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "why's" and "what if's," and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was – is in the past. Whatever is – is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here."

leather journals

2005-11-20T15:39:00.000+08:00

im obsessing about making a handmade leather journal for a while now... maybe 6-8 months...im just "thinking" of ways to do it and probably experiment on it next year. im getting ahead with my handmade journals this week... thank God! im looking for ways to easily stitch the leather... (getting there...)
there have been queries and orders on my stuff, but im still waiting for big breaks... and getting my journals "seen" this week ill start making the mini journals... either as a FREE gift to people who buy bulk...

getting a new mac next week. yey! =)
{give me time to indulge and worry about the programs later..}

2005-11-13T13:13:00.000+08:00

ayrton's first christmas

2005-11-12T15:01:00.000+08:00

c4
Originally uploaded by tschai.

first time i ever believed in santa clause! =) cutest baby i know. (sympre!)

journals

2005-11-11T19:38:00.000+08:00

sea journal
Originally uploaded by tschai.

ive been making these journals for some time now. the smell of paper somehow relaxes me. like coffee for smokers...
i spent most of my money on papers today... because finally, i have orders for my books. my friend is giving it out as christmas gifts...

haircut

2005-11-11T19:18:00.000+08:00

today prooved to be an extraordinary day for my son. you would think it would be some big olympic-like feats, but nope. Today we (ritchie, his lola and i) gave him his long overdue haircut. he screams to death whenver he sees his dad razor or a pair of scissors. but today, i felt that i needed to teach him that he cant always get what he wants and sometimes we need to do stuff that he needs but doesnt necessarily want. tough eh? his hair covers his eyes, thus he rubs it to his hearts content...and so i thought, perhaps its the way we give him a haircut that needs to change... true enough, i let him play with my c-clamp and a few of the chess peices [rook,king and bishop to be exact] finally after 40 mins of talking and cheering on him (how he needs to groom his hair to be a handsome boy...) he is now one.

UNSENT by Allanis Morisette

2005-11-07T21:00:00.000+08:00

dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship
with someone right now and I respect
that I would like you to know that if you're ever single
in the future and you want to come visit me in california
I would be open to spending time with you and finding
out how old you were when you wrote your first song

dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys
who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you
were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say
the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing
but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive
and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in
and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep
on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you
were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what
was wrong with me

dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way
about you with the women and you got me
seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away
with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out
for around you though and that stopped us from going any further
than we did and it's kinda too bad becasue we could've had much more fun

dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time
in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career about your whereabouts

Ode To My City #9

2005-11-07T19:07:00.000+08:00

Ode To My City #9
Originally uploaded by nepenthes.

in a solitary hill
you exist
but only to me

will i see you again?
will you recognize me?

if i climb
and search for you

will you meet me?
greet me?
find me?

:: found this photo at flicker, somehow thoughts came out...

yey! hastang lingawa!

2005-11-06T18:10:00.000+08:00

yey! hastang lingawa!
Originally uploaded by tschai.

cherishing the moment

ive grown!

2005-11-04T18:23:00.000+08:00

real life happens...
you forget.
you grow.
you live.

and now it meets you
face to face
by chance...

i get to see you
and smile...

because
i can finally
laugh
adn talk
and even roll my eyes
on how crazy we were...

life surprises you sometimes
heals your pain
through time
through love...

reflection (october 2, 2005)

2005-10-04T17:15:00.000+08:00

if you were given a chance now to go back to your past, even for a brief moment to find out some answers, would you take it?

i had that chance last sunday, october 2, 2005. though i am unaware that i would somehow go back 12 years ago, i did. and its liberating.

258 Things To Do When You Are Bored

2005-07-19T07:44:00.000+08:00

258 Things To Do When You Are Bored
1. Wax the ceiling.2. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.3. Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on allfour feet.4. Repeat above until failure.5. Rearrange political campaign signs. 6. Sharpen your teeth.7. Play Houdini with one of your siblings.8. Braid your dogs hair.9. Clean and polish your belly button.10. Water your dog...see if he grows.11. Wash a tree.12. Genuflect to Larwence Welk. 13. Knight yourself and some close friends.14. Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.15. Flirt with an evergreen.16. Scare Steven King.17. Give your cat a mohawk.18. Purr.19. Mow your carpet. 20. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)21. Whine22. Play Pat Boone records backwards.23. Re-elect Richard Nixon.24. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.25. Listen to a painting.26. Play with matches.27. Buff your cat.28. Raise professional racing ferrets.29. Paint your home...day-glo orange.30. Dial-a-Prayer and argue.31. Read Homer in the original Greek. 32. Learn Greek.33. Change your mind.34. Change it back.35. Watch the sun...see if it moves.36. Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.37. Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.38. Paint your windows. 39. Flash your goldfish.40. Paint.41. Smile.42. Paint a smile.43. Shoot at a fire hydrant.44. Apologize to it.45. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.46. Rotate your garden...daily. 47. Plant a shoe.
48. Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.49. Sweat.50. Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil. \r\n51. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.52. Mix and match the parts.53. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.54. Take your sofa for a walk.55. Write a letter to Plato.56. Mail it.57. Start. \r\n58. Stop.59. Dial 911...breath heavily.60. Go to a funeral...tell jokes.61. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.62. Carry a tune.63. Drop it to see if it breaks.64. Starch your shoes.\r\n65. Contemplate a cockroach.66. Get a dog to chase your car.67. Let him catch it.68. Form a political party.69. Throw a political party.70. Climb a sidewalk.71. Ride a loaf of bread.72. Annoy yourself. \r\n73. Get angry with yourself.74. Stop speaking to yourself.75. Kiss and make-up.76. Stand on your head.77. Stand on someone else\'s head.78. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire. \r\n79. Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you\'re REALLY bored.80. Build a pyramid.81. Paint your teeth.82. Wear a salad.83. Speak with a forked tongue.84. MAKE a drive in window at your local bank. \r\n85. Walk on water...but DON\'T get caught.86. Shave a shrub.87. Have a proton fight.88. Watch a car rust.89. Quiver.90. Confess to a crime that you didn\'t commit.91. Learn to type...with your toes. \r\n92. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.93. Mail it to a friend.94. Be in the wrong place at the right time.95. Be someone special.96. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.97. Request covert assistance from the CIA. \r\n98. Factor your social security number.99. Take the fifth.100. Take the sixth.101. Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.102. Join the Foreign Legion.103. Learn to write Sanskrit.104. Learn to read Sanskrit. \r\n",1]
);
//-->
48. Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.49. Sweat.50. Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil. 51. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.52. Mix and match the parts.53. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.54. Take your sofa for a walk.55. Write a letter to Plato.56. Mail it.57. Start. 58. Stop.59. Dial 911...breath heavily.60. Go to a funeral...tell jokes.61. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.62. Carry a tune.63. Drop it to see if it breaks.64. Starch your shoes.65. Contemplate a cockroach.66. Get a dog to chase your car.67. Let him catch it.68. Form a political party.69. Throw a political party.70. Climb a sidewalk.71. Ride a loaf of bread.72. Annoy yourself. 73. Get angry with yourself.74. Stop speaking to yourself.75. Kiss and make-up.76. Stand on your head.77. Stand on someone else's head.78. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire. 79. Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY bored.80. Build a pyramid.81. Paint your teeth.82. Wear a salad.83. Speak with a forked tongue.84. MAKE a drive in window at your local bank. 85. Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.86. Shave a shrub.87. Have a proton fight.88. Watch a car rust.89. Quiver.90. Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.91. Learn to type...with your toes. 92. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.93. Mail it to a friend.94. Be in the wrong place at the right time.95. Be someone special.96. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.97. Request covert assistance from the CIA. 98. Factor your social security number.99. Take the fifth.100. Take the sixth.101. Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.102. Join the Foreign Legion.103. Learn to write Sanskrit.104. Learn to read Sanskrit.
105. Exist...existentially of course.106. Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.107. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother\'s dress shoes.108. Print counterfeit Confederate money.109. Kick a cabbage.\r\n110. Take a picture.111. Put it back.112. Go back to square one.113. Sand a mushroom.114. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.115. Play solitare...for cash.116. Abuse your patio furniture. \r\n117. Run for Pope.118. If you don\'t win, run for God.119. If you still don\'t win, run for Mayor of Toledo.120. Write a book about a previous life.121. Count to a million...fast.122. Have your cat bronzed. \r\n123. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.124. Revert.125. Sleep on a bed of nails.126. Don\'t toss and turn.127. Think shallow thoughts.128. Run around in squares.129. Boil ice cream.130. Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels. \r\n131. Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.132. Converse...with a flatworm.133. Speak in acronyms.134. Drive the speed limit...in your garage.135. Make a schematic drawing...of a rock. \r\n136. Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.137. Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.138. Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.139. Calmly have a nervous breakdown.140. Give your goldfish a perm. \r\n141. Fly a brick.142. Play tag...on the nearest interstate.143. Excorsize a ghost.144. Exersize a ghost.145. Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people.146. Paint stripes on a lake.147. Ski Kansas. \r\n148. Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.149. Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.150. Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.151. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.152. Do a good job.153. Crawl. \r\n154. Be a side affect.155. Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.156. Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.157. Duck.158. Redecorate your garage.",1]
);
//-->
105. Exist...existentially of course.106. Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.107. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.108. Print counterfeit Confederate money.109. Kick a cabbage.110. Take a picture.111. Put it back.112. Go back to square one.113. Sand a mushroom.114. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.115. Play solitare...for cash.116. Abuse your patio furniture. 117. Run for Pope.118. If you don't win, run for God.119. If you still don't win, run for Mayor of Toledo.120. Write a book about a previous life.121. Count to a million...fast.122. Have your cat bronzed. 123. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.124. Revert.125. Sleep on a bed of nails.126. Don't toss and turn.127. Think shallow thoughts.128. Run around in squares.129. Boil ice cream.130. Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels. 131. Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.132. Converse...with a flatworm.133. Speak in acronyms.134. Drive the speed limit...in your garage.135. Make a schematic drawing...of a rock. 136. Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.137. Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.138. Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.139. Calmly have a nervous breakdown.140. Give your goldfish a perm. 141. Fly a brick.142. Play tag...on the nearest interstate.143. Excorsize a ghost.144. Exersize a ghost.145. Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people.146. Paint stripes on a lake.147. Ski Kansas. 148. Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.149. Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.150. Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.151. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.152. Do a good job.153. Crawl. 154. Be a side affect.155. Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.156. Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.157. Duck.158. Redecorate your garage.
160. Join the Army...be someone simple. \r\n161. Try harder.162. Hit the deck.163. Cut the deck.164. Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.165. Put legwarmers on all your furniture.166. Be number six.167. Sit.168. Stay. \r\n169. Roll over.170. Play dead.171. Scheme.172. Sprinkle your family room.173. Cause a power failure.174. Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.175. Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese. \r\n176. Wrigle.177. Be cherubic.178. Debate politics with a fern.179. If you lose stop watering it.180. Donate your brother\'s body to science.181. Join Hell\'s Angels by mail.182. Wonder.183. Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave. \r\n184. Be a square root.185. Park your car...with a friend.186. Park your car...with a group of friends.187. Ask stupid questions.188. Spew.189. Surf Ohio.190. Go bowling...for small game.191. Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed. \r\n192. Hang it on the wall in your office.193. Staple.194. Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.195. Contribute to the population problem.196. Interview a cloud. \r\n197. Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.198. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.199. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.200. Crumble.201. Crumple.202. Translate Shakespear into English. \r\n203. Skydive...to church.204. Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.205. Do aerobics...in your head.206. Play card with your swimming pool.207. Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.\r\n208. Send your goldfish to obedience school.209. Pinstripe your driveway.210. Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."211. Harness chipmunk power212. Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.213. Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America. \r\n214. Mug a stop sign.",1]
);
//-->
159. Develope a complex.160. Join the Army...be someone simple. 161. Try harder.162. Hit the deck.163. Cut the deck.164. Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.165. Put legwarmers on all your furniture.166. Be number six.167. Sit.168. Stay. 169. Roll over.170. Play dead.171. Scheme.172. Sprinkle your family room.173. Cause a power failure.174. Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.175. Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese. 176. Wrigle.177. Be cherubic.178. Debate politics with a fern.179. If you lose stop watering it.180. Donate your brother's body to science.181. Join Hell's Angels by mail.182. Wonder.183. Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave. 184. Be a square root.185. Park your car...with a friend.186. Park your car...with a group of friends.187. Ask stupid questions.188. Spew.189. Surf Ohio.190. Go bowling...for small game.191. Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed. 192. Hang it on the wall in your office.193. Staple.194. Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.195. Contribute to the population problem.196. Interview a cloud. 197. Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.198. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.199. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.200. Crumble.201. Crumple.202. Translate Shakespear into English. 203. Skydive...to church.204. Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.205. Do aerobics...in your head.206. Play card with your swimming pool.207. Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.208. Send your goldfish to obedience school.209. Pinstripe your driveway.210. Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."211. Harness chipmunk power212. Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.213. Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America. 214. Mug a stop sign.
215. Change your name...daily.216. Go for a walk...in the attic.217. Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.218. Find a witch.219. Burn her.220. Regress.221. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat. \r\n222. Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.223. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.224. Boldly go where no man has gone before.225. Jump back.226. Play to lose.227. Scalp a VW.228. Be a threat to the American way of life. \r\n229. Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.230. Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.231. Have your car painted plaid.232. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)233. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation. \r\n234. Race turnips.235. Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.236. Sharpen your sleeping skills.237. Put out a fire.238. If you can\'t find one make one.239. Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat \r\n capacity of the first one)240. Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.241. Tree a goldfish.242. Get a college education.243. Bury your fathers Nissan.244. Tell your him the dog did it. \r\n245. Catch a falling star.246. Throw it back.247. Place your cat in hyper-space.248. Again tell your dad the dog did it.249. Corner the market on Agnew in \'76 buttons.250. Find out where all these cylinders graduated from. \r\n251. Install handicapped access to the {your favorite pathetic baseball team here}\'s dugout.252. Kickstart your TV.253. Kickstop your TV.254. Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.255. Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon. \r\n256. Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.257. Make a list of things to do when bored.258. Renumber the bored list...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n",0]
);
//-->
215. Change your name...daily.216. Go for a walk...in the attic.217. Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.218. Find a witch.219. Burn her.220. Regress.221. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat. 222. Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.223. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.224. Boldly go where no man has gone before.225. Jump back.226. Play to lose.227. Scalp a VW.228. Be a threat to the American way of life. 229. Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.230. Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.231. Have your car painted plaid.232. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)233. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation. 234. Race turnips.235. Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.236. Sharpen your sleeping skills.237. Put out a fire.238. If you can't find one make one.239. Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat capacity of the first one)240. Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.241. Tree a goldfish.242. Get a college education.243. Bury your fathers Nissan.244. Tell your him the dog did it. 245. Catch a falling star.246. Throw it back.247. Place your cat in hyper-space.248. Again tell your dad the dog did it.249. Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.250. Find out where all these cylinders graduated from. 251. Install handicapped access to the {your favorite pathetic baseball team here}'s dugout.252. Kickstart your TV.253. Kickstop your TV.254. Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.255. Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon. 256. Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.257. Make a list of things to do when bored.258. Renumber the bored list...

schizo... me?

2005-06-24T15:50:00.000+08:00

do you count how many "persons" are inside you? the web has allowed me to indulge on my schizo tendencies (they say everyone is, but just on different degrees) i've made blogs for each of myself... some are of my secret life. although i know NO ONE actually reads these stuff (if they do, they should leave comments or something ..) the certain kind of freedom of being anonymous is different. i spend about 5 mins in my other blogs and the content is 3x compared as to this one, where i spend a good 20 mins.

falling apart

2005-06-06T13:04:00.000+08:00

what if everything you thought was right, was all a lie? would you delve though all the lies and seek the truth? or close your eyes and think that the lie is "your" truth? is half-truth a full lie?

If You Forget Me

2005-05-23T11:21:00.000+08:00

If suddenly
you forget me do not look
for me, for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms and
my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love,
ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

** PABLO NERUDA**

2005-05-22T17:39:00.000+08:00

A is for AGE:
:: 27

B is for BOYFRIEND's name..
:: B is for BANA! - si ritchie!

C is for CAREER:
:: professional paper addict / designer

D is for DAD's name:
::Napoleon

E is for ESSENTIAL item/s to bring on an airplane:
:: pen and journal

F is for FAVORITE song at the moment:
:: sleeping satellite - tasmin archer

G is for GIRLFRIENDS:
:: daghan...

H is for HOMETOWN:
:: cebu

I is for INSTRUMENTS you play:
:: wala na karon ::: keyboards sa una

J is for JAM or JELLY you like:
:: whats the difference?

K is for KIDS:
:: one-- si mr. boo

L is for LIVING arrangements:
:: balhin-balhin.. twice a year.. (kapoy na!)

M is for MOM's name:
:: helen

N is for NAME of your best friend(s):
:: ritchie, isabel, ate soking, genevieve,binky (not necessarily in that order)

O is for OVERNIGHT hospital stay:
:: feb 1 2003 (labor ko.. hangtod next day pag ka tao ni burdugoy)

P is for PHOBIA[s]:
:: daghan.

Q is for QUOTE you like:
:: ... and it came to pass

R is for REALITY you have accepted:
:: that i will never get rid of my stretch marks... (hehheheh)

S is for SINGER(s) you like most:
:: Gloria Estefan

T is for TIME you wake up:
:: mga 7 , but i wake up every hour sugod pag ka tulog nako... lihok kaayo akong anak!
never had a straight 8 hour sleep since i got pregnant... =P

U is for your UNIQUE trait:
:: medyo psychic, maka feel ko if a friend or someone is thinking of me.. o ha... but depende pud sa friend.. and of course obsessed with papers.

V is for VEGETABLE you love:
:: daghan man.. lettuce diay

W is for WORST habit:
:: repressed, usahay psycho-hon

X is for X-RAYS you've had:
:: d ko kanumdum

Y for YUMMY food you make:
:: wala :(

Z is for ZODIAC sign:
:: Taurus.. the bull

FINE PRINT:::
so why am i writing this here? well, sometimes it helps to see personal stuff in print (or on screen) mostly this is for me (thats why im not posting this on friendster) usahay when years go by, we change... and its fun to look back sometimes, kinda keeps your toes on the ground.
:::

SLEEPING SATELLITE by Tasmin Archer

2005-05-22T17:31:00.000+08:00

I blame you for the moonlit sky And the dream that died With the eagles flight I blame you for the moonlit nights When I wonder why Are the seas still dry Don't blame this sleeping satellite Did we fly to the moon too soon Did we squander the chance In the rush of the race The reason we chase is lost in romance And still we try To justify the waste For a taste of man's greatest adventure I blame you for the moonlit sky And the dream that died With the eagles flight I blame you for the moonlit nights When I wonder why Are the seas still dry Don't blame this sleeping satellite Have we lost what it takes to advance Have we peaked too soon If the world is so great Then why does it scream under a blue moon We wonder why If the earth's sacrificed For the price of its greatest treasure I blame you for the moonlit sky And the dream that died With the eagles flight I blame you for the moonlit nights When I wonder why Are the seas still dry Don't blame this sleeping satellite And when we shoot for the stars What a giant step Have we got what it takes To carry the weight of this concept Or pass it by Like a shot in the dark Miss the mark with a sense of adventure I blame you for the moonlit sky And the dream that died With the eagles flight I blame you for the moonlit nights When I wonder why Are the seas still dry Don't blame this sleeping satellite

la lang...

2005-05-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

i used to really write long letters, write poetry and even incoherent prose, somehow i can't seem to get back to writing nowadays. although that is a very good sign, since writing used to be my outlet for all the angst and repressed emotions.

my friend in highschool (isabel) and i kept really thick journals of our poetry, now i cant remember what was into those pages. the boxes of letters i wrote to my friends ...

pause mother-duty calls =)

till next ish.

May 1999

2005-05-21T22:02:00.000+08:00

Time has its way of
Revealing to you
What had been and what
Couldn't be
We never have it all figured out...
But then again...
Who does?
And somehow we manage
...To move on
We just have to
Take the chances.

I had been wrong
When I thought
I had it all figured out

Telling you...
...How far I’ve seen
Telling you...
...that I know you
Telling you...
...that it isn’t what we need
and now I wonder if I was fooling you
or lying to myself.

May 1, 1999

where are you?

2005-02-08T22:27:00.000+08:00

it was your birthday, days ago. it used to be such a big day for me...it still is, but i cant reach you. where are you? life used to revolve around you. every day is greeted with the possibility that i might see you. that every turn might give me a surprise. a glimpse was enough. a letter was unexpected, as always. where are you? wherever, i pray for a life you deserve, and a truly blessed year ahead.

the price of boredom

2004-12-02T18:26:00.000+08:00

recently i got to think that i could have been easily bored with my job. like my mind should be somewhere else useful, rather than stay with our family business. but instead or rambling my have nots, i was overwhelmed with what i have, adn what i have to be thankful for.

where can i find a job that allows me to bring my kid? let alone, have my employer shower him with all the love they have? (and not deduct my salary whenever he breaks something... a jar, a plate, a glass...)

where do i get internet hours? have time to do my freelance jobs... have time to do my hobby as if it is a career... NO WHERE!!! so i stay here, and say IM MAY BE BORED but im enjoying it...

Beyond Forgetting by Rolando Carbonell

2004-11-22T10:56:00.000+08:00

For a moment I thought I could forget you.For a moment I thought I could still the restlessness in my heart. I thought the past could no longer haunt me—nor hurt me. How wrong I was!

For the past, no matter how distant, is as much a part of me as life itself. And you are part of that life. You are so much a part of me—of my dreams, my early hopes, my youth and my ambitions—that in all my tasks I can’t help remembering you. Many little delights and things remind me of you.

Yes, I came. And would my pride mock my real feelings? Would the love song, the sweet and lovely smile on your face, be lost among the deepening shadows?

I have wanted to be alone.I thought I could make myself forget you in silence and in song...And yet I remembered. For who could forget the memory of the once lovely, the once happy world such as ours?

I came because the song that I kept through the years is waiting to be sung. I cannot sing it without you. The song when sung alone will lose the essence of its tune, because you and I had been one.

I have wanted this misery to end, because it is part of my restlessness. Can’t you understand? Can’t you divine the depth and the tenderness of my feelings towards you? Yes, can’t you see how I suffer in this even darkness without you?

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. How could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But, perhaps, you didn’t understand...

Remember, I came because the gnawing loneliness is there and will not be lost until the music is sung, until the poem is heard, until the silence is understood....until you come to me again.

For you alone can blend the music and memory into one consuming ecstasy. You alone...

--Rolando Carbonell

drop it and let it go!

2004-11-18T20:20:00.000+08:00

i mailed my first traveling journal today. sent it to NEW ZEALAND. i spent 201.00 for it. i feel both scared and excited. and sometimes i get depressed... due to the over excited feelings i have for the past few weeks in making hte journal, i finally had to let it go... for it to know the world.
the rule of mail art (i just read a few mins. ago) is that once you drop it in themailbox, you FORGET about it.
i need to save postage money... coz ive been making trades lately that i fail to estimate how much i can spare....

any donations??? hehehheh! if at all ur intrested in the art that im into, please email me, perhaps we can cook some art recipes together.
ciao!

land mailing stuff

2004-11-16T13:00:00.000+08:00

ive recently become a member of nervousness.org (see the link to view faq) ive been spending my evenings making my blank books. some of them are up for grabs and some of them, may go on sale.
im sending out a blank journal for the world to add to and then send back to me. a gret way to reach out and thus making the world a much smaller place...

when billy died...

2004-10-25T13:44:00.000+08:00

recenty, i revisited my favorite series ALLY MCBEAL.
there is a lot of truth (as well as madness) in the tv show,
but its one of the few i can truly relate with. perhaps am i drawn to the LONELY life of ally
or that her life seemed to be bit of a reflection of mine.

i watched the season 3 this week, and just a few mins ago, the episode when billy died.
it feels good to cry (yes i did) for reasons i could not really explain, my heart ached when he passed away
and told ally that he loved her with all of his heart.. forever.

maybe there is such a thing called forever.

maybe.

Reflections on IL POSTINO

2004-10-09T00:35:00.000+08:00

a solitary life

examined

yet unrevealed

the road lead to

true loves heart,

yet one is afraid

to trek such

an untravelled path

will this life be enough to

tell you that a life in solace

has no meaning?

or will you be enough

to give life meaning?

i talk to myself sometimes

but without words...

it wouldnt come out..

i drift

sometimes

but always

i forget

forget to look at myself and see

... to begin with

2004-08-23T18:10:00.000+08:00

Today I set out to collect my past. Will I be able to catch up? In the next few pages (I’m not sure how few---but I gather that it will be a lot), I will randomly select past journal entries. Some of them are from a secret document file, some from my yellow notebook, some from my purple journal and some from my pink flora journal. I know…. You’d wonder… why so many journals? Can’t she make up her mind on WHICH one she’d write to? Let me explain.

I started out documenting my life at the age of 7. They were in letter form though. I wrote to my aunt, to my favorite teacher, and even to my childhood crush (though most of it ended in a trash can). Ever since I can remember I have always been fascinated by books, notebooks, paper, stationery, paper dolls, postcards, pen, pencils, crayons and markers… anything that has to do with writing. I used to think that perhaps there is a reason for my obsession with pen and paper. I hope so…
So anyway I was going to explain (before I interrupted my train of thought) why I have a lot of journals. The answer is simple. Each of these journals has different kinds of paper… so I tend to match it with my current mood. Example, whenever I feel like killing myself, I turn to my yellow notebook. The paper is quite ordinary, has an ancient feel (coz I bought it in a store that sells old stocks—simply because no one buys there) so no matter how ugly my penmanship is (yes, it also matches my mood) or how I’d like to pretend that my pen is a knife and my journal is the other person, it wouldn’t really matter, coz the notebook is ugly anyway. My other journals are my good-mood journal. The ones you’d like to read years from mow. Let’s face it, most of our problems now would seem trivial a few years down the line, so it’s best that the ones you’d like to tuck away, would be compressed into one notebook. Hmmmmm does that explain my point?

The things I’ve written aren’t that great to the people who read it. Sometimes even to me. But what makes all these special is that, writing has always been my solace. I ask myself in the million times I wanted to just sleep and never wake up, why am I still here? No answer necessary. So, here it is. My Life. My Journal.

ANGST

1999-08-16T16:20:00.000+08:00

…an alibi
…a glimpse
…a smile
…laughter
silence…
Why?
How did it happen?
One click…
One joke…
Projectors…
that was all it took.

The agony of waiting..
The thrill of the moment…
Is all I have
Perhaps…
But that is all I want
That it is all I need.

How then could you have known?
Is it in my eyes?
Or in each coincidence
That I just happen
To be there…
And you just happen
To know

Been There?

1999-07-28T01:08:00.000+08:00

When all the lyrics are true
When songs you dread are hummed
When Mondays are looked forward
When the weekend is too long
When you contradict yourself
When you cant sleep on rainy afternoons
When you thank God for the sun and not the clouds
Have you been there?
Have you been here?

8 again

1999-05-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

I see you as if for the first time
I loved you then…
I just want to see you now.
To see what I missed
And recall who I was.

I have written for you
But you never really got them
It was more for me
Than for you.

I’m glad.
I have no regrets.
I would have been an entirely different person
Had it not been you.
But I’m glad.

We have lived our lives as we should
We have grown.

I wanted to see you…
But instead I saw myself…
12 years ago.

so close... (to insanity?!@#$%^&*)

1999-04-23T11:37:00.000+08:00

Don’t you want to know how I felt when I first heard of it?
Pardon me but I don’t have the exact word for it…
It was kind of like this… imagine..
Me…staring at the cassette, holding the record button.. Getting ready to push it…and when the DJ played… I pushed it…shout at the top of my lungs and jump up the bed…and jump..and jump… and dive into the bed..take my pillow put my mouth on the pillow and shouted again and again and again.. Until my throat hurt that I could not breath….
“AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh”
that’s a direct quote

THAT’S what I call an outburst.
And one would think a person can only do such thing when something major happens like passing the board exams or getting 15 white balls in your thesis…or perhaps getting your first book published…on the lighter side…when this crush you have for 10 years suddenly calls you and asks you out. (and yes he is handsome..may or may not have a car and doesn’t smell)

NO! this happened to me because I heard my song on the radio for the 1st time since 7 years (its not my song. Its by hall and oates’) I mean don’t you think you would react the same way too???

Ok..yeah..yeah ..sure I get it…I’m weird…( ive heard )
you would ask “FOR A SONG?”
well---------- WHY NOT? If one can get really passionate about something…they ought to be given the license to JUST let GO once in a while…even for a little more than 3 minutes

I guess that was one event in my life that , if you examine closely would tell you so many things about me…when I feel strongly about one thing. (if it’s a person? That remains to be discovered)

Seldom do you find people who let their hair down for such a trivial thing. Inconsequential to some, stupid and weird for many. And WHY is that? Has life gotten the best of our Humor and Passion and emotion that we are content to “sit back , relax and enjoy” the show rather than being on the show everyone is enjoying? I for one am guilty of this. But what the heck life is full of contradictions. We learn… we Unlearn…(yes. There is such a thing as unlearning)

Sometimes I wonder if I have gotten TOO CYNICAL AND HARD AND COLD THAT I FAIL TO SEE PEOPLE. If I have let others thoughts influence mine. If I am obsessed in making my own thoughts (which aren’t all mine. I admit)
I beg to recall what Ive been saying before. I will gladly eat my words. Fact is,
Im still learning, everyday, definitions change…it gets to be revised ….it gets to be erased…or worded differently. Life is learned and learning isn’t always getting the answers to your questions sometimes learning is ASKING the basic questions. But then ..hey! I don’t have it all figured out.
WHO DOES?
AND WHO CARES?
I LOVE THE LIFE IVE LED.
WHAT MORE CAN A PERSON WANT?

WHY

1999-04-22T20:27:00.000+08:00

WHY.
By Chai

If I tell you that I have been as happy as you are when you were with me, I would have lied to myself. That perhaps, is something I can live with. But to have lied to a man who loves me as much as he loves himself would have been deceit

How can I even think of giving you happiness, when I have none myself. I said I wanted us to find what it is that makes us happy, apart from each other. For years it has always been us. We live in our little world as little boys and girls. Back then it was enough. Change and time…yes it does exist. Young girls and boys eventually grow up. And sometimes they change. Sometimes they don’t want to but they have to. That is the only way to live. We spent most of our tmie discovering the other and neglecting our own. We should have looked for ourselves first before we sought the other.

I have been constantly searching for myself. And I am still on my journey. Im trying to figure it out. If not the whole picture at least a fragment. But who has it all figured out? I set out now to contiue my journey with you but just not together. I can only hope for you to see it as I do.

But what is time..really? but just a concept of the mind. 6 months, 6 years…it doesn’t matter. You have closed your door for me and I was the one who gave you that idea. I can only stand at your doorstep from time to time.

When I met you (though not for the first time) when I first evoked your existence. I felt no complication. I thought id have to fight a great deal for this man and I did fought him from my parents, my sister and my cousins ..And to every individual who told us that our kind of relationship could never exist. But what I could not fight, the person I am completely helpless with is myself

We were too idealistic. We did away with typical conventions. We were content with that for a while. Then we went higher still… we were content for a while. And I’m sure it will increase more as time goes..neither one of us can stop that.

But don’t you see? We have to a point when it’s a strain to just be ourselves. Or at least I am. I cannot blame you if you do not understand me. And you cannot blame me for refusing to explain myself. I get to think that were trying so hard. And maybe we are. That is why I thought it best to find ourselves again. Because who we were once is not who we re now. We have changed, I don’t know if we fit well together now as we did before. And that doesn’t have to be such a bad thing. I cannot force you to understand this. I know you can but you wont. And I don’t blame you.

I have changed and I am confused and I am searching for something. I cannot drag you along with that. Know that I have taken the greatest risk so far. Far greater that giving pathetic roses to old professors. I have risked my comfort and security, the possibility of my happiness for the knowledge of what it is I want. It is said to be harder to really pursue what we want. Because with it lies the responsibility and hard work and effort. It is easier to act on our desires on impulse. some people don’t know what they want and they end up being cowards, taking what is given provided that are comfortable enough to live, to avoid the risk of pain. The path where most people choose to trek. I see this crossroad, about the same time I saw you and somehow I managed to stay in the crossroad for a long time. With you. Because we chose to stay there. But eventually we know we have to choose our paths. One cannot drag the other. Our paths doesn’t have to be on different directions. But we need to choose it on our own. I what I am letting you see that you have a choice. Allowing you to choose which way you wish to trek for with it lies every conviction you will have to fight. I let you go because I need to choose my path and you, yours.

If the future should lead us back to one another we will have smiles then because we will have something in common. We have OURSELVES.